Sunday, January 31, 2010

pag muni-muni

kung ang butang maguba, mabuak, magisi, pwede pa mapulihan ug bag o but ang sentimental value ana nga butang lahi na kaysa original value nga naka attach to that marriage, once broken, lisod na mabalik..maka palit ba ta anag bag o? ma repair pa ba? naa bay epoxy nga effective kau to patch the broken pieces?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

so embarrassed!

i felt so beautiful today with my new red blouse i took from liza's stuff. i wore my shiny black pair of sandals which is about 2 1/2 inches high... it felt so great to walk with ease and grace especially when you are comfortable with what you are wearing and when you know that you really look good in it...

my speech class this morning with my nautical students was held at the speech laboratory for an actual speech reading. i had such a wonderful time with them as you all know, this is a group of students that will either make you laugh or cause you hypertension...both extremes they are! but today, they were so participative and everybody fared well so i ended a class with a smile on my face...i was happy and contented with today's activity...i left the speech laboratory with so much feeling of contentment and fulfilment...

when the bell rang, i had to rush back to the office to prepare for my next class at 10:30. there were nursing students crowding in the hallway looking into some postings at the bulletin board, exam sked perhaps. some of these were my students in my literature and reading classes before so while i was still a few meters away from them, they were already waving their hands and calling my name...of course, you have to be cordial to your students so even if i had all these books and papers tucked in both arms, i have to give them big grins and a nod and a queenly

things happen too real fast...while i was so preoccupied responding to my students morning greetings, i didn't notice that the floor was too slippery that i swung for what i think a thousand times before i actually landed on the floor with bended left knee, the right foot seemed extended to my extreme right as if performing a cheering squad final books , papers and chalk box were scattered on the floor as if i just had a wonderful party with students were astounded at the sight of me on the ground! i could see them gaped their mouths with disbelief or probably more of embarrassment and confused as to what to do. nobody laughed but all eyes were glued to my direction! gracious! how i wish that floor would just split and swallow me up! my face turned crimson and i felt so feverish. i never felt the pain, i stood up all at once while after a few moment, two students helped me pick my things up.. i stood up straight notwithstanding the pain and then i laughed and jokingly said, "gosh, nursing department is the cleanest department in this university" then i went to a nearby office and told some people i know about what happened to me. they just told me,"nah, careful jud ka ma'am oy, nag 5's man gud know na..." Indeed, i could not do anything about it anymore but accept the fact that i was too clumsy and too limp.i was really so embarrassed.

nadaut ako aura with my grand entrance this morning pero it's all worth the experience...i felt like i just had won the ms. universe beauty pageant...hope we can take life as easy as that situation i had earlier. what i mean is when we fall, no matter how painful and embarrassing, let's stand up where we have fallen, and never mind the pain, it will heal in due time along with embarrassment..pero when we fall, we should have epiphany para we'll make this experience all worth it...dapat naa jud tay natun an...just like,

unsa kaha tua ila floorwax no? mangutana ra ko...LOL!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Amidst the tranquil emotions
Came an unexpected deep sensation
for something inconceivable, unreachable
Why is it so impossible?

Letting go of it, the better had it grown
In wonderland it was ever known
surfaced again, this forsaken affection
was never ever put to oblivion

Untimely 'tis you have come to existence
invaded my solitude, conquered my essence
I was lost when i found you, ah, irony
how can we ever patch up incongruity?


Patsy Cline

Crazy, I'm crazy for feelin' so lonely,
I'm crazy, crazy for feelin' so blue......
I knew, you'd love me as long as you wanted,
And then someday, you'd leave me for somebody new.
Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wonderin', what in the world did I do?
Oh, crazy, for thinkin' that my love could hold you.....
I'm crazy for tryin' and crazy for cryin
And I'm crazy for lovin' you.
Crazy, for thinkin' that my love could hold you,
I'm crazy for tryin, and crazy for cryin
And I'm crazy for lovin' you.....

optimism in the midst of predicaments

When I woke up this morning, I felt light and bright…nothing compares to the beautiful feeling of being kissed by the sun when you go out. I am so enthralled to be under the spell of the sun. I felt so cold inside but the warmth that its brightness spills to my murky disposition gives me the energy to be productive, more than yesterday’s.

I have been waiting for so many things to come yesterday. A special person’s message, a call from a dear friend, a package I expected to arrive a month ago (LOL), an opportunity I hope I could not refuse, my sisters’ reply to my messages, result of our comprehensive exams, and etc but none of these did arrive. But I was still productive…I was able to feed all my students’ scores for midterm to my laptop so that after midterm exam I will be ready with their grades. I promised that this time, I will be totally different. On Prelim, I was being issued a memorandum for late submission. Well, that was because of my children’s health problems. Anyway, it pays to wait. I waited; have waited and will keep on waiting for things worth waiting for. Just like last night…

When you await the bliss of the moonlight spills on your head, you would fill the light sensation of the day no matter how dark it is outside; you would still see a glow of light somewhere.

With bated breath, i look forward for that light at the end of the tunnel as my best friend chaesa used to say..ah, uncertainties, indeed they are myriad and agonizing!

Monday, January 25, 2010

a dose of my own medicine

We are indeed wading through the murky global swamp better known to the cybernetics as computer age, cyber age, internet obsession, technological advancement. Whatever it is, none so far can change the humanness in us, that feeling of joy and sorrow; the wanting for carefree and the misconception of life. Try this blogging thing instead; we might learn something about what life is and what it is not.
For those who are sick like me of the mundane and boring and maybe…depressing life, watch out…for those who try to overcome the downside of life, and make everything bright and promising again. Here, take a dose of my own life and try the pill of advice I devised for myself.

My posts may sound too mundane and that nothing seems new. What are we here for anyway but for something ordinary right? We don’t want the strange feelings, we hate the uniqueness of things, we don’t want change, we dislike transformation…we refuse shift and transitions. We want the old us, we want the real us...

This sounds so depressing and yes, I am! But somehow, with the best of my ability, I would like to try to put in something helpful for you in as much as it is helpful for me too. I am not happy with my life but obviously I am not sad either. Others may find my life enlightening or motivating and my optimism may lure you to take the challenge of moving on and so hope do I… I really hope it turns to the better, and might give you some real initiative in your own too to make yours a better one!

So, needing some therapeutic mind? I do, so I strive to sketch and paint my life with colors. I write to make me feel better. I fortify myself with the language only those who share with my thoughts and emotions understand. Others may not empathize but I couldn’t blame their being pathetic after all this is what life is being made of…made of the sympathetic and the pathetic. I don’t know where I exactly belong, neither perhaps but I know for sure I am genuine and straightforward by all means to what I feel, say and do.

I love writing and ever since, this had become my motivation material to keep me going although at times I am tempted to be sluggish…I turn to be so slack especially when my eyes are blinded with lies…my mind tells my hands to stop pressing keys for expression…my mind becomes nailed to only a specific event and declines to reminisce the unpleasant events. This I call selective “amnesia”. I surely needs electrifying.

Now, why are you reading my post? You know that I am sick. Sick with life, for so many reasons and I don’t want to count them one by one. But honestly I want you to consider this. How would you like to stay in one roof with someone you resent so much, soneoine you have so much remorse with?

Alright, alright, I admit. I’m a recluse, and…selfish, totally unorganized in my life, and slowly losing interest in life itself.

I’ve often wanted to end my life. I mean for honesty’s sake, I am not happy anymore. But saying I am not happy accordingly means I am such a selfish person who seeks only for what satisfies myself and whose life is geared towards selfish motives. I am not sure if that’s right but actually that’s not what I have in mind. I am simply not happy with things that are happening in my life right now. Forget it. I am sounding so totally paranoid.

What made me like this? I wasn’t a negative person before. I used to be so optimistic; always thinking of myself and aspiring to be always on the top of everything, even to my own emotions. I simply wanted freedom. That’s it. I wanted myself back. I don’t wanna live in this invisible cage. I am seeing the world and yet I don’t. I just simply wanted the simple life I had before and bring back my loved ones whom I have lost already. That is what I call life.

With the past glitz of myself and the present dark side of reality now, I opt to shut my eyes, close my mind and refuse to think…no, I don’t wanna think anymore…

But enough about the past, here I am now, and perhaps I'd much rather like to look forward in life, rather than look backwards because for one good reason might be that looking backwards might suck me back into that old life again and make me commit the same mistakes, arghhhhhhhhhh…enough with my hastiness…my decisiveness, my stubbornness…my paranoia…my old self…

Think. Look forward. Move on. Device a plan. Scheme out. Fight yourself.

First up, I need to get healthy again, so I need to get fit.
Next I need to stop procrastinating, and start on everything as they come.
Step off from complacency and be optimistic that I’ll finish everything I have started.
Disregard the uninterested and disinterested people and focus to those who wanted to become part of my life otherwise I might regret losing them.
Of course, courage is another thing. I need to pick up the one I have lost over a mistake. Falling doesn't mean dying. I may have been hurt but I still have chance to straighten up and start brand new. Yes, I need courage in everything I do, courage that will soon build up confidence so that my life will look brighter and colorful, no more grayness…
A directed and organized life with principles, governed with practical rules and routines Open minded. Accept the things that couldn’t be and forget about the could-have-been’s and the what if’s…
Most importantly, let God be the center of your life. You might think HE is there but you actually haven’t noticed how you have set HIM aside and swept HIM off your heart.

Sneak out and see for yourself what will happen after this…out of my sheathe, will emerge A NEW ME…

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Mystified By you

Regal. Splendid.
There’s something about your shadow
An enigma one couldn’t explain
This isn’t just I s’ pose a phenomenon
A fashion a trend or an obsession
Every tinge of it brings about a fulfilling sensation
So deep. So alluring. So mystic.
Always been blue yet cherished the passion
Hailed it on a plinth as if the ultimate
source of being and bliss but
I have been wrong. I woke up
One day feeling so different I started
To have a diverse perception of what
Was then, what is now and what
Is to come I reflect I concluded
That beauty indeed is in the eye of the beholder
And that he who holds that beauty
Is dearly loved.
With a passionate awe for reverence
And extra estimation of loveliness
Beyond the real tangible hues
Comes the magic of the unfathomable
Mirth that mesmerizes my heart. My soul’s
Entangled deeply into its mystery but
The magical spell that enchanted
these sight seems to shroud my whole
Being. I looked for you everywhere.
You are you.
Unique in every way but you are there for me.
Ever enticing.
Above and beyond the horizon I see you
No more but in my dream you stay
And will forever hold that special
fondness of you.
Yes, it’s you and only you.
My much loved hue. You.

Friday, January 22, 2010

do i always have to?

Do I always have to tell you what is in my heart when I could not find the right words to say it?
Do I always have to shed tears when heartaches become my ally and sorrow my friend?
Do I always have to be silent for a moment when uncertainties creep in and consume what little hope there is left for me?
Do I always have to let go for others’ sake when you know that holding on with you is a promise I will never break?
Do I always have to end up answering the myriad questions perching in my head and yet remained unanswered?

do i always have to?

Do I always have to tell you what is in my heart when I could not find the right words to say it?
Do I always have to shed tears when heartaches become my ally and sorrow my friend?
Do I always have to be silent for a moment when uncertainties creep in and consume what little hope there is left for me?
Do I always have to let go for others’ sake when you know that holding on with you is a promise I will never break?
Do I always have to end up answering the myriad questions perching in my head and yet remained unanswered?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

in HIS arms again

Every vein calls for restoration
A soul deeply entangled in a maze
Unsolved, complex and vexing
A spirit barren and lost
Totally drained and deranged

A throbbing soreness in the cranium
A constant grapple within
Stretching, pinching my system back to reality
alone, torn, groping and I ask, where am I?

The wise speaks of his wits
The powerful, of his might
The wealthy, of his uncountable riches
The king, of his royal robe

They boast for what they have
But haven’t found out what they do not have
They flaunt their luxurious possessions
But conceal their rotten ego

I knelt down in humility, pleading for help
For nothing else can bring me back to life
But there is someone who can bring back life to me
My Redeemer, my Light!

When I say listen to me

When I said “why?” I meant you speak up
When I said “it’s okay” I meant you forget it
When I said “go ahead” I meant it’s up to you
And when I say “please”, I meant you listen to me…
I am begging…

When I said “I don’t know” I meant I had doubts
When I said “maybe” I meant I wasn’t sure
When I said “of course” I meant to assert
And when I say “I love you”, I meant you listen to me…
I am sincere…

When I said “don’t bother” I meant it’s no big deal
When I said “yes”, I meant you can have your way
When I said “no” I meant let’s take another option
And when I say “enough”, I meant you listen to me…
I’m fed up…

When I said “alright” I meant you go on
When I said “I’m losing you” I meant hold on
When I said “I care” I meant you’re in my heart
And when I said “goodbye”, I meant you listen to me…
I am leaving…

When I said “it’s too late” I meant time has been wasted
When I said “one more chance” I meant we start all over again
When I said “sorry” I meant I admit it was my fault
And when I say “no more” I meant you listen to me…
It’s over…

managing a challenged life

let me tell you that what i am going through right now with my masteral studies is not easy. probably, if this opportunity happened 10 years ago, i would have probably been more productive. today, i see it nothing more but just a compliance to the school's requirement for vertical alignment.

it took me three years to finish my first masteral degree. it was also like beating myself hard and cracking my nutshell just to be able to make it. with 2 kids to attend to, a "special" father to take care of, a husband to think of who seemed not to understand my plight, a very demanding job (lots of IG's to make or revise), and all other little concerns but no matter how little they were have in a way effect to my studies.

it was like passing through a needle's eye when i graduated from my Master of Arts in Education, major in English. it was no wonder that in between thesis writing and proposal defense i had so many hyperventilation attacks, suffered vertigo, i tuned insomniac, and worst migraine became a constant company and some stress-related symptoms surfaced in my feet. it was embarrassing that i had to go to my doctor for over-breathing only to be asked to breathe in using a paper bag. it was kindda funny but cute and i learned from it. the next time my hv attacked, i did the therapy by myself. i suppose it went that way for almost the entire school year. most unforgettable of all, was spending new year's eve at Capitol University Medical Center. I was confined after christmas due to extreme stress caused by following hectic class skeds, involving in school christmas activities and beating my proposal defense. every single activity was successfully attained but my health gave in. i was admitted in a suite room, with extra superb privacy (i have always dreamed and wanted , the hot and cold shower, multi-channeled tv, refrigerator, a space for the kids to loiter around...perfect amenities for a hotel room but definitely for a woman who thought was dying at that time, these could never be enjoyed as much as appreciated.

now, i am seeing this again as another experience i think i have already gone through. however, this is tougher and more pressured than ever. the exams are strenuous, requirements are heavy and time-consuming, professors are really up on their standards and we keep our toes on tiptoe to catch up with them. we have to finish though by hook or by crook. we still have along way to go. i guess, the idea about not marching on graduation this march has already sunk in to our system that we never thought about it anymore. what we are up to now is to pass the comprehensive exams, proceed with the thesis writing which most of us are now into data gathering. hopefully by first week of march 2010, we should be ready for the final defense then. then off to final revision and book binding.

So, with or without graduation, even if we will not be marching down the graduation aisle, even if we will not be wearing our academic gowns, we are still optimistic that we will really finish our thesis and submit it before summer.

we are looking forward to be free from all these hassles by summer so that at least we can concentrate with our work at the same time enjoy the luxury that summer time offers. hoping to go somewhere else (that somewhere still i don't know where, LOL) where i can be alone and gather myself back (as if i am really shattered)...honestly, i am too tired and burn-out that i wanted to let go of this surmounting agony i am feeling inside. just don't know how. God knows i am too weak emotionally and physically right now.

and maybe, part of the long-range plan is to enroll (again, LOL) in our doctoral program, if not at MSU-IIT, the rest of the guys are considering Cebu Normal University (CNU)...let's just see what will happen then. well, my concerns for now aside from maels, are my kids. whew!

i had a bad start of the year. my kids got sick. apple went through neurological check and medication for polyposis and thanks God she is now recovering especially from migraine. we went to an ophthalmologist, she was advised for a new eyeglasses due to astigmatism. her vision is still fair with 20/25 but she still needs to wear her glasses for protection and prevention. few days later, while apple was still on medication, red had fever and later was found out to have german measles. i brought him to his pedia for proper medication. since gm is a viral illness, the doctor advised him to be confined for isolation to avoid contamination. however, due to financial constraints and considering i have my classes i could not set aside, i opted not to admit him to the hospital which the doctor approved with the following condition that red had to be taken to the hospital on the following dates given for check up.this was also for the purpose of preventing possible complications. it was really tough spending few hours sleep just to attend to the little boy's qualms. again God, our Jehovah Rapha and Jehovah Jireh provided healing and provided our needs for the kids.

never ending suffering. never - ending sacrifices...never ending trials and challenges...but all of these are nothing because i serve an INFINITE GOD who sees and understands, who supplies and makes everything under control.

one day to go and i will have my last exam for maels, then the rest will be agony in waiting for the result. What will I do without YOU Lord.

i live in YOUR sustaining grace and mercy.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

God is my strength

God’s grace is sufficient for me…in times when I put my hands up and say, “I give up, Lord” and think that I am finished here, I realized that it’s actually the time when God starts to take control of my life…”Lord, I give up. I am so weak and vulnerable. Hide me in the shadow of you wings so that no matter how great the storm may be, I am safe and secure under you loving care.”

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

for CS6 "my journey" by: D

I have always wanted to become a teacher but it took me a long time to become one. Over the years, I also pondered on my trails; on my journey in life. It wasn't just tough, it was really like journeying through the wilderness. I wasn't that brave I know. I was just so determined. In some part of my life, I would have considered the medicine or any medical courses had it not been for financial constraints. My inclination and interest for medicine was so deep not because I wanted to become famous in this field but it was all because of wanting to treat my dad from his paralysis which caused him physical disability and memory loss. The drive to achieve what I wanted in life was so intense but the force which tried to pull me down was equally strong - even stronger. Honestly, getting into college during those years was like climbing Mt. Everest. I guess everybody would agree with me especially when you only have a mother to take care of her 7 children and an ailing husband. She was a freelance laundry woman and sometimes a vendor of native delicacies which she acquired in consignment basis at the super crowded Carmen Market or in a sidewalk at an elementary school near our house. She had to do a lot of moonlighting to be able to feed all nine mouths at least twice a day.

Growing up in this kind of life had made me question God. Life was not only hard, it was really miserable. Questions kept flying in my head and they were left unanswered for quite sometime, the reason why i didn't get to enjoy my high school life plus the painful fact that I had been cheated by the only person whom I thought have really loved me. I was so filled with remorse and hatred that I found myself so broken and spilled out. I have never been so lost in my life as I had been during those moments. I was groping in the dark trying to get hold of myself. Again, questions were innumerable, my pain so immense and my doubts extremely clouded my soul. My bitterness in life gradually ate me up and I woke up one day severely sick, in fact dying, spiritually. I had to be healed. I succumbed to a challenge that has totally changed my life. It was a decision that turned my life colorful, filled with joy and purpose and above all, love and faith. My direction in life turned so crystal clear. That was when I enrolled in a christian seminary. I have found my trail heading to purposeful direction.

I finished Bachelor in Theology after 4 years from a Biblical Seminary as full academic scholar for the entire college years. During these years, I have involved myself into missions both local and national, worked in a church as an associate minister, youth and music pastor and worked with foreign missionaries, youth and children especially in creative and performing arts. Back then, life was so close to perfect and fulfilling - until I met my second boyfriend, the man with whom I have entrusted my life and love. I got married at the age of 24.

Life has changed. I had to give up my ministry and look for a greener pasture to survive. Then one day, years after, I realized that my passion for the youth, for children, for counseling has not wavered. I decided to take another course and became a teacher. My decision was triggered by an unpleasant circumstance that I have experienced while at work. It brought me down again to my knees and sought for God's divine intervention. I saw His beautiful plans amidst the tragic events in my life. The song "God will make a way" was so real in my life. It says that"God will make a way when there seems to be no the roadway in the wilderness He'll lead me...rivers in the desert will I see..." With 2 kids to raise, a working husband to take care of and a father to attend to, God arranged everything to my advantage. He ordered my steps.

I finished bachelor in Secondary Education with flying colors where I was absorbed as college instructor after my graduation with no hassles of applying for a job at all..I found myself incomparably happy and fulfilled with the profession I chose to tread upon after the vocation I have set aside for quite sometime.

My quest for learning did not stop. I finished M.A. in Education major in English and I kept yearning for more, not for any selfish motives but for some wonderful plans awaiting ahead. I am now into my second masters degree. I am so blessed to have been granted a scholarship under CHED for M.A. in English Language Studies at MSU-IIT which I hope to finish this 1st semester of school year 2011 as I am now on my thesis revision ready for final defense.

We may be trudging on rocky roads and rough hills along life's way; the treks may be so lonely and risky; we may be clouded with trials and obstacles; doors may be closed upon us, but rest assured that God will open the windows for us. God's grace is just sufficient and ever present for those who call on HIM.

To capsulize everything, life is a journey and he who walks with the True Guide in life will be able to find his way no matter how long, no matter how far our journey will be. AND so long as I live; so long as there is God as the center of my life, I shall continue with my journey.

Instruction for CS6
1. post your 1 - paragraph comment about the article. what can you say about the topic? do you want to share something else about life? you have any suggestions or negative comments? write them down below by clicking COMMENT (then write your comment in the comment box)and pls don't forget your name, and click anonymous button before publishing. then lastly, click PUBLISH POST..that's it!
2. in a 1/2 crosswise, write your thesis statement and explain why it is so. submit on Monday, august 22, 2011, class time.
3. see you in the class on Monday, august 22, 2011,