a dose of my own medicine

We are indeed wading through the murky global swamp better known to the cybernetics as computer age, cyber age, internet obsession, technological advancement. Whatever it is, none so far can change the humanness in us, that feeling of joy and sorrow; the wanting for carefree and the misconception of life. Try this blogging thing instead; we might learn something about what life is and what it is not.
For those who are sick like me of the mundane and boring and maybe…depressing life, watch out…for those who try to overcome the downside of life, and make everything bright and promising again. Here, take a dose of my own life and try the pill of advice I devised for myself.

My posts may sound too mundane and that nothing seems new. What are we here for anyway but for something ordinary right? We don’t want the strange feelings, we hate the uniqueness of things, we don’t want change, we dislike transformation…we refuse shift and transitions. We want the old us, we want the real us...

This sounds so depressing and yes, I am! But somehow, with the best of my ability, I would like to try to put in something helpful for you in as much as it is helpful for me too. I am not happy with my life but obviously I am not sad either. Others may find my life enlightening or motivating and my optimism may lure you to take the challenge of moving on and so hope do I… I really hope it turns to the better, and might give you some real initiative in your own too to make yours a better one!

So, needing some therapeutic mind? I do, so I strive to sketch and paint my life with colors. I write to make me feel better. I fortify myself with the language only those who share with my thoughts and emotions understand. Others may not empathize but I couldn’t blame their being pathetic after all this is what life is being made of…made of the sympathetic and the pathetic. I don’t know where I exactly belong, neither perhaps but I know for sure I am genuine and straightforward by all means to what I feel, say and do.

I love writing and ever since, this had become my motivation material to keep me going although at times I am tempted to be sluggish…I turn to be so slack especially when my eyes are blinded with lies…my mind tells my hands to stop pressing keys for expression…my mind becomes nailed to only a specific event and declines to reminisce the unpleasant events. This I call selective “amnesia”. I surely needs electrifying.

Now, why are you reading my post? You know that I am sick. Sick with life, for so many reasons and I don’t want to count them one by one. But honestly I want you to consider this. How would you like to stay in one roof with someone you resent so much, soneoine you have so much remorse with?

Alright, alright, I admit. I’m a recluse, and…selfish, totally unorganized in my life, and slowly losing interest in life itself.

I’ve often wanted to end my life. I mean for honesty’s sake, I am not happy anymore. But saying I am not happy accordingly means I am such a selfish person who seeks only for what satisfies myself and whose life is geared towards selfish motives. I am not sure if that’s right but actually that’s not what I have in mind. I am simply not happy with things that are happening in my life right now. Forget it. I am sounding so totally paranoid.

What made me like this? I wasn’t a negative person before. I used to be so optimistic; always thinking of myself and aspiring to be always on the top of everything, even to my own emotions. I simply wanted freedom. That’s it. I wanted myself back. I don’t wanna live in this invisible cage. I am seeing the world and yet I don’t. I just simply wanted the simple life I had before and bring back my loved ones whom I have lost already. That is what I call life.

With the past glitz of myself and the present dark side of reality now, I opt to shut my eyes, close my mind and refuse to think…no, I don’t wanna think anymore…

But enough about the past, here I am now, and perhaps I'd much rather like to look forward in life, rather than look backwards because for one good reason might be that looking backwards might suck me back into that old life again and make me commit the same mistakes, arghhhhhhhhhh…enough with my hastiness…my decisiveness, my stubbornness…my paranoia…my old self…

Think. Look forward. Move on. Device a plan. Scheme out. Fight yourself.

First up, I need to get healthy again, so I need to get fit.
Next I need to stop procrastinating, and start on everything as they come.
Step off from complacency and be optimistic that I’ll finish everything I have started.
Disregard the uninterested and disinterested people and focus to those who wanted to become part of my life otherwise I might regret losing them.
Of course, courage is another thing. I need to pick up the one I have lost over a mistake. Falling doesn't mean dying. I may have been hurt but I still have chance to straighten up and start brand new. Yes, I need courage in everything I do, courage that will soon build up confidence so that my life will look brighter and colorful, no more grayness…
A directed and organized life with principles, governed with practical rules and routines Open minded. Accept the things that couldn’t be and forget about the could-have-been’s and the what if’s…
Most importantly, let God be the center of your life. You might think HE is there but you actually haven’t noticed how you have set HIM aside and swept HIM off your heart.

Sneak out and see for yourself what will happen after this…out of my sheathe, will emerge A NEW ME…