Breaking the Cocoon of bitterness

There was once a girl, 14 years old to be exact, a teenager who had her menarche 8 months before her 14th birthday. She was smart and resolute , buoyant and witty, a dreamer and a fighter. She had positive outlook in life notwithstanding poverty. She believed that dreams can actually be reached no matter how far.

She did well in school. Her parents and siblings were proud of her for her accomplishments and achievements. She was an achiever. she excelled in most of her grade school years as top student in the class. However, there was something about this girl. Coated in a jaunty persona was a probing young mind whose questions where filled with perplexities. She faked her smiles, coached her manner in a way others could barely handle.She was just simply impossible! In her early teenage years she was already sulking in her cocoon, trying to set herself free.

Despite the girl's probing queries about realities of life and the life they were actually living, she continued to find life's answers. She journeyed through life with boldness and determination.

She was the black sheep in the family. She used to hear people said this roughly. But what can she do? This was how people looked at her. Would she continue to be herself as she is? Or would she prove them wrong? But how? Young as she was, she gave in to peer influence. After all, this was where she felt accepted, at least,she thought,at that very moment she had someone to talk to and divert her puzzled mind to. She felt a temporal sense of belonging. But in her solitude, swirling thoughts of epiphany always paved her way to hold on to what was right. She struggled and won over her best enemy, her self. One day, the girl went home with a different outlook and perspective in life. this time, her focus was not on her selfish desires anymore, but on helping her family out of poverty. She had so many beautiful plans for her parents and siblings...beautiful dreams for her family but she was just 14! How can she make them come to reality?

An opportunity came when an old family friend came to visit them and told her parents that she was looking for a housemaid for an American family in Cebu City. The girl did not have any second thought. She accepted the opportunity (as she called it), the opportunity for her to realize her dreams. She wanted to prove to those people around her, those who have misjudged her that she, no matter how young she is, is responsible and thoughtful enough for her family.

She went to Cebu the next day. The boat's fare was P78 peso per person (that was a lot, the girl thought). The ship crews who assisted them in going up the steel ladder were already closing the door when she realized that they were already leaving. She started to feel indescribable nostalgia. She felt butterfly in her stomach. She just couldn't believe that for the first time, she was going to be away from her family. The girl was standing by the ferry's lobby and was watching the ferry bidding the dock goodbye as it slowly backed off and released the dock's hands, until it seemed to turn about. The girl's tears trickle down her cheeks. In a matter of few minutes, the girl could hardly see the port. She imagined the boat she was aboard in like a tiny dot in the middle of the vast ocean. The creepy thoughts scared her so much and caused her goosebumps but she rejected the feeling. Her tiredness and the movement of the ferry lulled her to deep slumber. They were aboard the ship overnight, from 7pm to 7am the following day. When she woke up, she realized she was already in a strange land.

They arrived in Cebu City the following morning and the woman fetched her to the family directly. The family looked great and kind. They had 3 children, a girl and two boys. The eldest, the girl, was 3 years younger than she was and the boys were 5 and 3 years old, respectively.

At first everything went well, the work was manageable. The chores were lighter with vacuum cleaner,as it was far better than coconut husk and rag to clean the tiled flooring. The wall at the other side of the house was made of glass. She could see through the glass wall while cleaning it the obviously wealthy men playing golf outside the very wide green plain. The sight looked so serene and peaceful. It brings back to her the nostalgic feelings. The house was too huge for her to clean alone. It was a totally fenced two-storey building where she stayed in the servants quarter at the ground floor, alone. At 14 years old, she was alone in a big room near the garage! She missed her sisters with whom she used to share one small room, all five of them!

She actually learned a lot...from making mashed potato (their morning specialty)to cooking rice (which she was not used to do in her own home); did the laundry, dry cleaned the big carpets and draperies, washed the car and cleaned the garage. She learned to eat raw vege and she loved the jam and jelly which wasn't present way back home. But every time she ate, her tears would trickle as she remembered how her mother and sisters would take care of her and prepare her food (now she sounded like a real prodigal daughter). Every thing she did in that American house reminded her of her beloved family back home. Desperate as she was, the more she felt the nostalgia and the desire to go home.

On the 6th day (what seemed like eternity to her), she was prohibited to use the phone, watched tv, or even listened to the radio. The man (husband), started to become mean and strict with her. The girl's rebellious heart was awakened. "how can this man be so mean to a 14 year old girl like me?", the girl thought. The following day, over one argument, the girl decided to leave the family. Ddespite the older sister's advice, the girl made up her mind, she had to leave. She asked permission but they wouldn't let her leave. She was in a crossroad of her life. "indeed, where will I go if I do?" she argued to herself. She did not have money. She only had P1.50 jingling coin in her purse. But she was resolute and strong-minded that she made a choice to step out of that house where she felt she was treated like a real housemaid and not a young teener.

She was caught in a dilemma when the man said, "you may leave but we will not give you even a single penny". she was bursting in tears when she heard those words. She was raging with anger inside. But later calmed down and said, "I have P1.50" here, I will go. God will take care of me."

"Do you think God will listen to a stubborn girl like you? You are hardheaded!" shouted the man.

"I asked God about this, and I told Him that I will go, so I will go, I miss my family and I can not take it here anymore." the poor girl cried helplessly.

"Go ahead, leave! But remember, the moment you step out of this gate, you can never come back to this house anymore" the man yelled at her.

"Okay. then I have to go now.goodbye maam, sir. " she decisively muttered."Sir, please check my belongings before i go", the girl said as she opened the red-striped plastic cellophane where she placed her few loose blouses and skirts and other personal stuffs and a birthday card she bought for her only brother.

The girl's slippers made a flip flap sound as she made her way down the stairs slowly. At first was hesitant to step out of the gate for she might regret her decision if she did so. but after a few seconds of contemplation, she found herself walking down the peaceful and long subdivision road. Free at last! Her tears were rolling down her cheeks with her sweat. She swayed her cellophane bag while she walked as if trying to make a balance in herself. Where will she go? What will she do? She finally reached the guardhouse at the subdivision gate and asked help from the stationed guards to assist her in searching for any menial job. The guards looked at her with utmost curiosity. They asked her questions. She told them the truth. The guards and few people who were intrigued by the throng at the guardhouse crowded on her. Their faces showed different reactions. Some were angry, others wanted to go and punch the American man, others were doubtful, others were just laughing and some were emotionless but there were those who really pitied the girl and were willing to help her.

Because she was very young, she couldn't even be accommodated as laundry woman in that village (the village for the wealthy so to speak). One of the men in the crowd was on his way to work as family driver of a Spanish family in that same subdivision. He assisted the girl and called somebody over the phone then after a while he brought her to a woman (family caretaker)who was in her early 40's.

God answered prayers. The woman was her neighbor's aunt and was kind enough to send her home with stuff and presents for her family, also for the woman's relatives. the woman and friends sent her to the port until she was already aboard the ship. The next thing she realized, she was already home, safe and sound. She couldn't hide the tears of joy but inside she was bleeding in pain for that experience.

The parents and siblings were surprised for her arrival because they weren't informed. She told them the story. Only then she learned that day and night, her mother with her entire family kept on praying for her safety. The girl was so amazed on God's marvelous work in her life.

God is indeed omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. Without God in her life, the girl may have been gone somewhere else. or her life may have been a total disaster. But there was her Faithful God who sheltered her, kept her safe and led her all he way up to this time. If it's not because of God, I may not be able to share His goodness in my life...Yes, that girl was ME, 21 years ago.

The reason why i shared it here is that i want to release the pain, the bitterness, the grudges and the hatred i felt for that family. Specifically for the couple who allowed me to go home without giving me "even a single penny". This and other lines kept haunting me for the longest time like in a nightmare and would always bring me to my tears. I realize i am such in deep pain and hatred and i want to let it go...I want to "set free" the once larva that crept inside my heart which i didn't notice have become a hardened cocoon of bitterness and hatred. Now i release forgiveness, blessing and love to these people. i want to thank them for that experience as it only proved God's unfaltering faithfulness and provision in my life. now, my questions are answered. My search is over.

Honestly, it took me this long to regain myself from that feeling. I harbored so much hatred for them. Recently, I searched for these people in the net because i wanted to tell them or email them about how i feel but i don't know if it will make them feel better...And luckily I saw them. I even got hold of their email address. At first my tears rolled down but I tried to feel my heart and I realize that my wounds are healed. The most important thing is i am released from that bondage and now like a butterfly, I am free to fly higher and see and taste the beauty and bounty of God's blessings!

Note: Help, I am also looking for Manong Luis Carreon and Manang Darna Paclar (Paradise Village, Cebu)the two great and kindhearted people who helped and sent me home. I haven't heard of them after that day i returned home as communication was quite difficult before. But wherever they are right now,my prayers are with them. I hope i can trace them though. I just want to thank them personally. I will never forget them.