YOU

You bring light to my darkened life
You bring joy to my scarred heart
You bring inspiration to my discouraged soul
You were there when i needed you most
Cheering me up, giving me the challenge i need
And loving me even when i am at my downiest moods
You understand my flaws
You listen to my never-ending qualms in life
You make me laugh when I need it the most
You comfort me when i felt like hope is gone
I never want to lose you
For it will only make my life
Not worth living
I want to spend the rest of my life with you
It means living with you
And dying with you.
I have found my truest happiness in you
Your love may not be perfect
But it is so perfect to complement with mine
You complete me
You took away the emptiness
You filled the vacuum within
You are the one I have been waiting for.

My Perfect YOU

My perfect YOU

In my pain, you are my reliever
In my sorrows, you are my great comfort
In my frustrations, you are my sun
In my heartaches, you are my medicine
Oh how can you be so perfect?
Perfect for my empty soul

In my defeat, you are my victory
(the champion of my life)
In my doubts, you are my assurance
In my sadness, you are my joy
In my loss, you are my gain
Oh how can you make me win the battle?
Turn my foes upside down, so here I stand

In the darkness, you are my light
(that keeps my path bright)
In my discouragements, you are my hope
In my weakest moments, you are my strength
At the downiest part of my life, you lifted me up
Oh how can you put up your love with me?
Love so great, a love so true?

In my failure you are my success
You set me free from bondage
(and broke my woes away)
You made me new
Gave me a brand new start
I am free, this is me
Thank you for your love

You said I’m your perfect masterpiece
You are my great artist
You etched every part of me
You carved me excellently
I am beautiful and my life is
because of you
With colors that brighten my life
How beautiful…
You are (you…You…you)

tears in the heart

August was such a stressful month with me...a lot of things have transpired, good and bad...pleasant and unpleasant...this was the time when i was confined at the hospital for 5 days...i am still recovering now and hope that i can fully recover...lately, i feel so exhausted and i think i really need a break...i need a vacation and i need a rest, both physical and emotional..so tired...i can't express what i am feeling now but words can never describe the turmoil that is going on inside me...even if i pour down all my tears and drain my eyes from it, there are still tears in my heart that never reach my eyes...

how then am i going to stop these tears inside? the pain is excruciating and it's eating me up, consuming my system, my being, my existence...i wish i could go far...far away from this pain but even then, i can never evade from it because wherever i go, i will always carry this pain because the pain is ME...it's within..it's inside of me, so how can i run away from it?

time is my friend but isn't even cooperative lately...time is so mean, taking away my precious seconds and milliseconds..don't i have the right to be happy even for a moment? time, i am waiting and i am willing to wait until there is no more reason to wait..

confused

the month is about to end but i feel so unproductive...i am really lost...groping in the darkness...i am confused..so confused...whew! life...i am having fun @ work though but still, somewhere at the back of my mind, i feel so empty...i am bloating...argggghhhh!!!

don't forget!!!

Never force yourself on someone who don’t deserve your love
No matter how much you love that person if you’re not compensated with the same kind of love, you will end up regretful
Never push yourself on somebody who pulls out from your grip because if you do you will end up blaming yourself for the remorse that person will have for you
Never allow the other person to mar your reputation because you will not have him / her forever and what you will have in the end is bad name
Never lose your self-respect for after all that’s the only thing you have that others can’t take away from you unless you give it away!

wait to wither or wither in waiting?

love is a journey and i consider myself traversing through this emotional adventure. it starts from a certain loading station and goes straight to its destination. however, unless it is a non-stop trip, we wouldn't experience stops in between stations. but love is not like that. from one point to another, we experience different feelings of either comfort or discomfort, of uneasines, convenience or inconvenience along the way. we may be with people whom we don't like, other people tend to irritate us or would keep our blood to the boiling point or sometimes we even encounter those who are cold as ice or deader than zombies. we would want to evade and skip that trip or would prefer to go to the next level but whoa, we won't be able to step to the next phase unless we have passed through these atrocities and learned a great deal of lesson from this experience.

this journey sometimes keep us off balance, and off our chairs. sometimes this would numb our senses because of the length of time spent in the waiting but take note that no matter how we feel and what we have gone through, we will always arrive at the desired destination so long as we always keep on the right track. and, if we don't, the waiting would be all futile and then we go back to the same adventure of searching and looking for the right love.

we are all in the same trip, but arriving at our destination depends on how we deal with the situations we encounter along the journey. remember, there may be rocky roads, steep cliffs that may entice us to swerve to the safest and easiest road, or plains that may bore us away and take love for granted. there may also be ups and downs and challenging or super exasperating experience that take our breaths away, but we must be mindful that love is not at all just like that...it's all in a package...all the good and the bad things are wrapped in there. thus, we need to take care of it because it is so fragile. we might break it.

the waiting may take a long time but as soon as we get there, so long as we took care of it the right way, we will always see that love is still love regardless of time, space and situations. but the question is should we wait to wither or wither in waiting for the right love?

Gazing at Dead Stars

I have read and reread "Dead Stars", a short story written by Paz Marquez Benitez but still so skeptical about the story. Was it Esperanza's fault why Alfredo should be confused with his feelings towards her despite the span of years that they had been together? We will observe that at the onset of the story, Alfredo was searching for that same excitement he felt years ago when he started courting Esperanza as well as the first few years of their togetherness. Alfredo was looking for that spark, of that friction and the chemistry that he used to feel when he was with her but to his surprise, he realized that he was already bored of being with Esperanza. Can we blame the girl if the man loses his interest on her? What should a woman do then to prevent that? But can she always prevent that if this happens considering that circumstances and time are not within our control? I am not speaking for Esperanza, nor for myself. I am speaking for every woman out there who have become victims of false hope.

Here comes Julia Salas, a very promising young girl who was witty, outspoken and carefree in life. She didn't care about what other people had to say about her. She was not bound to anything. She was highly-spirited and full of vibrance who captivated the attention of Alfredo. Obviously, Julia never had the intention to lure Alfredo nor did she insinuate any emotional attachment between her and ALfredo. She was just an all-out girl who believes on the genuineness of friendship and emotions. She may have fallen for Alfredo but she never tried to seduce him. Alfredo, on the one hand, was in a way already showing his interest towards her but she shrugged off the idea because she knew where she stands. She knew that there was Esperanza. But what was between her and Alfredo that kept her waiting for 8 years for Alfredo to come to her life again? Did Alfredo give her false hope?

Alfredo, the man every woman could dream of, handsome, manly, intelligent, and responsible. Was he selfish? I am made to believe that he was! It was as if he wanted both women to be part of his life and not lose any one of them. Despite having gotten married to Esperanza, he was still aspiring for Julia Salas. It was evident in the lines mentioning that Alfredo seemed to be distant and beyond Esperanza's reach no matter how close they were in bed. Physically, he was with Esperanza but his mind was absent. It flew to where Julia Salas was. In other words, ALfredo couldn't let go of Julia Salas. Whatever relationship they had was like an unrequited love...and more than that, it was unexpressed, unrevealed and concealed. Can we really blame Alfredo for the complexity of his feelings for the two special women in his life when he actually made a choice, the choice of marrying her fiancee and rejecting the supposed newly-found love interest?

I love this story as it always gives me so many insights every time i read it and the more learning I get from this when I discuss this with my Literature class. I guess my students love the story as much as I do. in fact, when i gave them their final project, one student asked me if she could just work on this story because she had gleaned quite an insight from it. i didn't concede though but i should have let them do it for expression.

I posed 2 questions for my students to answer based from the story as taken from Alfredo's lines:

1. What is love indeed? is love a mere fabrication of perfervid imagination, an exaggeration of the common place, a glorification of insipid monotonies? is love a combination of circumstances, or sheer native capacity of soul? Is love a decision or a destiny?

2. And have you ever come to a point in your life where you have to choose between what you want to do and what you have to do?

My students answered these questions as if they were very sure of their answers but if you give a second thought and contemplate on these issues on complexities of love and decision-making, we are really confronted with difficulty in choosing what to do...

As usual we winded up the story with the many lessons in life, personal and vicarious experiences. We came to a wonderful finale. Some sympathize with Esperanza, others with Julia and some with Alfredo himself and each has his own reason why.

well,there may be so many of us, whose gardens have withered and yet like Esperanza, have never lost hope…she kept clinging on to the vines of faithfulness and love…although alfredo was beyond her reach, her hopes and undying love watered the withering gardens until such realization overtook his senses…some of us may also be like Julia, hoping for a bright star to dawn on her until forever is gone, until the sky grows dark and stars shine no more, until there are no more reasons to hope, hoping that love still would find every reason to give the wilting heart the courage and strength to go on hoping..

whatever one is gazing at; whatever dilemma he is confronted with, he should always learn to value the real meaning of love…although, as they say, love remains to be an eternal puzzle yet we know within us, that the answer to that mystery is just within us…love…love..love.yes, years ago and until this very moment, i thought about it and i know for sure that i am gazing at dead stars…

a whole new me

good morning sunshine, good day world!
i am facing a whole new me now and
looking forward for great things to happen
ahead...

sometimes, we need to be broken
to become whole again...
we need to experience pain
to appreciate life's sweetness..
we need to experience failure
to see the value of success...
we need to experience frustration
to understand the meaning of satisfaction...
we need to lose something
to be able to see that we have
so much to be thankful for in life!

so embarrassed!

i felt so beautiful today with my new red blouse i took from liza's stuff. i wore my shiny black pair of sandals which is about 2 1/2 inches high... it felt so great to walk with ease and grace especially when you are comfortable with what you are wearing and when you know that you really look good in it...

my speech class this morning with my nautical students was held at the speech laboratory for an actual speech reading. i had such a wonderful time with them as you all know, this is a group of students that will either make you laugh or cause you hypertension...both extremes they are! but today, they were so participative and everybody fared well so i ended a class with a smile on my face...i was happy and contented with today's activity...i left the speech laboratory with so much feeling of contentment and fulfilment...

when the bell rang, i had to rush back to the office to prepare for my next class at 10:30. there were nursing students crowding in the hallway looking into some postings at the bulletin board, exam sked perhaps. some of these were my students in my literature and reading classes before so while i was still a few meters away from them, they were already waving their hands and calling my name...of course, you have to be cordial to your students so even if i had all these books and papers tucked in both arms, i have to give them big grins and a nod and a queenly wave..lol...

things happen too real fast...while i was so preoccupied responding to my students morning greetings, i didn't notice that the floor was too slippery that i swung for what i think a thousand times before i actually landed on the floor with bended left knee, the right foot seemed extended to my extreme right as if performing a cheering squad final exhibition...my books , papers and chalk box were scattered on the floor as if i just had a wonderful party with confetti...my students were astounded at the sight of me on the ground! i could see them gaped their mouths with disbelief or probably more of embarrassment and confused as to what to do. nobody laughed but all eyes were glued to my direction! gracious! how i wish that floor would just split and swallow me up! my face turned crimson and i felt so feverish. i never felt the pain, i stood up all at once while after a few moment, two students helped me pick my things up.. i stood up straight notwithstanding the pain and then i laughed and jokingly said, "gosh, nursing department is the cleanest department in this university" then i went to a nearby office and told some people i know about what happened to me. they just told me,"nah, careful jud ka ma'am oy, nag 5's man gud karon...you know na..." Indeed, i could not do anything about it anymore but accept the fact that i was too clumsy and too limp.i was really so embarrassed.

nadaut ako aura with my grand entrance this morning pero it's all worth the experience...i felt like i just had won the ms. universe beauty pageant...hope we can take life as easy as that situation i had earlier. what i mean is when we fall, no matter how painful and embarrassing, let's stand up where we have fallen, and never mind the pain, it will heal in due time along with embarrassment..pero when we fall, we should have epiphany para we'll make this experience all worth it...dapat naa jud tay natun an...just like,

unsa kaha tua ila floorwax no? mangutana ra ko...LOL!

Crazy

Patsy Cline

Crazy, I'm crazy for feelin' so lonely,
I'm crazy, crazy for feelin' so blue......
I knew, you'd love me as long as you wanted,
And then someday, you'd leave me for somebody new.
Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wonderin', what in the world did I do?
Oh, crazy, for thinkin' that my love could hold you.....
I'm crazy for tryin' and crazy for cryin
And I'm crazy for lovin' you.
Crazy, for thinkin' that my love could hold you,
I'm crazy for tryin, and crazy for cryin
And I'm crazy for lovin' you.....

a dose of my own medicine

We are indeed wading through the murky global swamp better known to the cybernetics as computer age, cyber age, internet obsession, technological advancement. Whatever it is, none so far can change the humanness in us, that feeling of joy and sorrow; the wanting for carefree and the misconception of life. Try this blogging thing instead; we might learn something about what life is and what it is not.
For those who are sick like me of the mundane and boring and maybe…depressing life, watch out…for those who try to overcome the downside of life, and make everything bright and promising again. Here, take a dose of my own life and try the pill of advice I devised for myself.

My posts may sound too mundane and that nothing seems new. What are we here for anyway but for something ordinary right? We don’t want the strange feelings, we hate the uniqueness of things, we don’t want change, we dislike transformation…we refuse shift and transitions. We want the old us, we want the real us...

This sounds so depressing and yes, I am! But somehow, with the best of my ability, I would like to try to put in something helpful for you in as much as it is helpful for me too. I am not happy with my life but obviously I am not sad either. Others may find my life enlightening or motivating and my optimism may lure you to take the challenge of moving on and so hope do I… I really hope it turns to the better, and might give you some real initiative in your own too to make yours a better one!

So, needing some therapeutic mind? I do, so I strive to sketch and paint my life with colors. I write to make me feel better. I fortify myself with the language only those who share with my thoughts and emotions understand. Others may not empathize but I couldn’t blame their being pathetic after all this is what life is being made of…made of the sympathetic and the pathetic. I don’t know where I exactly belong, neither perhaps but I know for sure I am genuine and straightforward by all means to what I feel, say and do.

I love writing and ever since, this had become my motivation material to keep me going although at times I am tempted to be sluggish…I turn to be so slack especially when my eyes are blinded with lies…my mind tells my hands to stop pressing keys for expression…my mind becomes nailed to only a specific event and declines to reminisce the unpleasant events. This I call selective “amnesia”. I surely needs electrifying.

Now, why are you reading my post? You know that I am sick. Sick with life, for so many reasons and I don’t want to count them one by one. But honestly I want you to consider this. How would you like to stay in one roof with someone you resent so much, soneoine you have so much remorse with?

Alright, alright, I admit. I’m a recluse, and…selfish, totally unorganized in my life, and slowly losing interest in life itself.

I’ve often wanted to end my life. I mean for honesty’s sake, I am not happy anymore. But saying I am not happy accordingly means I am such a selfish person who seeks only for what satisfies myself and whose life is geared towards selfish motives. I am not sure if that’s right but actually that’s not what I have in mind. I am simply not happy with things that are happening in my life right now. Forget it. I am sounding so totally paranoid.

What made me like this? I wasn’t a negative person before. I used to be so optimistic; always thinking of myself and aspiring to be always on the top of everything, even to my own emotions. I simply wanted freedom. That’s it. I wanted myself back. I don’t wanna live in this invisible cage. I am seeing the world and yet I don’t. I just simply wanted the simple life I had before and bring back my loved ones whom I have lost already. That is what I call life.

With the past glitz of myself and the present dark side of reality now, I opt to shut my eyes, close my mind and refuse to think…no, I don’t wanna think anymore…

But enough about the past, here I am now, and perhaps I'd much rather like to look forward in life, rather than look backwards because for one good reason might be that looking backwards might suck me back into that old life again and make me commit the same mistakes, arghhhhhhhhhh…enough with my hastiness…my decisiveness, my stubbornness…my paranoia…my old self…

Think. Look forward. Move on. Device a plan. Scheme out. Fight yourself.

First up, I need to get healthy again, so I need to get fit.
Next I need to stop procrastinating, and start on everything as they come.
Step off from complacency and be optimistic that I’ll finish everything I have started.
Disregard the uninterested and disinterested people and focus to those who wanted to become part of my life otherwise I might regret losing them.
Of course, courage is another thing. I need to pick up the one I have lost over a mistake. Falling doesn't mean dying. I may have been hurt but I still have chance to straighten up and start brand new. Yes, I need courage in everything I do, courage that will soon build up confidence so that my life will look brighter and colorful, no more grayness…
A directed and organized life with principles, governed with practical rules and routines Open minded. Accept the things that couldn’t be and forget about the could-have-been’s and the what if’s…
Most importantly, let God be the center of your life. You might think HE is there but you actually haven’t noticed how you have set HIM aside and swept HIM off your heart.

Sneak out and see for yourself what will happen after this…out of my sheathe, will emerge A NEW ME…

do i always have to?

Do I always have to tell you what is in my heart when I could not find the right words to say it?
Do I always have to shed tears when heartaches become my ally and sorrow my friend?
Do I always have to be silent for a moment when uncertainties creep in and consume what little hope there is left for me?
Do I always have to let go for others’ sake when you know that holding on with you is a promise I will never break?
Do I always have to end up answering the myriad questions perching in my head and yet remained unanswered?

do i always have to?

Do I always have to tell you what is in my heart when I could not find the right words to say it?
Do I always have to shed tears when heartaches become my ally and sorrow my friend?
Do I always have to be silent for a moment when uncertainties creep in and consume what little hope there is left for me?
Do I always have to let go for others’ sake when you know that holding on with you is a promise I will never break?
Do I always have to end up answering the myriad questions perching in my head and yet remained unanswered?

routine

9:45 am

sipping my morning coffee in the office
waiting for friends to buzz me up for a chat
listening to students' footsteps passing to and fro
watching the green trees at the park through the office window
facing my ultimate solace and confidante
glancing at my cell phone once in a while
preparing lessons for the next class
browsing my favorite websites
arranging stuffs in my topsy-turvy drawers
reading my favorite book
answering crossword puzzle
anticipating for students to come for consultation
staring blankly at my untouched research paper
feeling bored of these routine
anxious. annoyed. tired. drained.

Panawagan - A Literary Folio

I would like to congratulate my best friend and colleague, Prof. Arnold Tinaco Dacuno for his newly published literary folio entitled “Panawagan” which will soon be available at your favorite bookstores. I give two thumbs up for his literary achievement. In fact, this is his second book. The first one is a Textbook now being used in classrooms. I will be writing more about this friend of mine whose dreams were like unreachable stars but now are within his reach. I would like to encourage everyone to grab a copy now. you will never regret reading this folio as it is like giving you a full glimpse of everything that is happening around us.

For now, I would like to give the same comment I have written for his literary folio (as one of his critics) and in this sense, will give you a bird’s eye view on what the book is all about.

“Raise your unruffled brow
on this day, Filipino youth!
Resplendent shines
Your courage rich,
Handsome hope of my motherland”


This literary folio, PANAWAGAN, is an ardent call for change addressed to the youth of today. This could remind you of Dr. Jose Rizal’s address to the Filipino youth more than a hundred years ago. Rizal’s and the author’s voice are calling out “to the youth of today” who is said to be the hope of our nation”. This axiom rings true to what Filipinos believe and hope to happen, to let the Filipino youth spark the fire of change and be aware of his responsibility in nation building.

“Panawagan” is basically a reflection of the author’s life, how he responds to the challenges in life, and how he sees himself as an active participant, and important entity in the attainment of progress in our society. It also mirrors various life experiences which depict an exciting, challenging but beautiful journey of a young mind exposed to the complexities and adversities in life and how these obstacles should be overcome through his aspirations, determination and strength in achieving his dreams. It is a creative and reflective metamorphosis among young individuals who have the potentials to make a difference in the society they are in touched with. Panawagan can do a lot to an individual. It can unleash the doubts working inside his heart, shade light to his unfaltering questions of uncertainty and inferiority and finally let go of the emotional seepage that keeps him less productive. It is a call to every individual to be consciously aware of the stark reality around him and make a difference in his thoughts, aspirations, courage, character and perspective as well as effect change first of all to his own self, to his family and friends and generally to his community.

The author, young as he is, has exuded most of these quality characteristics of a young person, worthy of emulation, whose dreams were unruffled amidst adversities in life. His greatest weapons to achieve his dreams and face the challenges and obstacles in life were his willingness to work even harder than hardest and the wisdom that God has given him.

We are human, with intellect and emotion that understand, feel, reason and hopefully, respond to this call for change…



Dorcas Menoc – Bandiala
Literature Professor
College of Arts and Sciences
Capitol University

photo journal

My family

my inspiration.

my light.

my love.

my hope.

my life.

my joy!

why do i write?

i write because it makes me a better person...
i write because i am able to reach out the unreachable...
i write because i am able to speak out the unspeakable...
i write because i am able to express my inner self...
i write because i love to...
i write because i feel it...
i write because this is my life...